listening: streets of
philadelphia bruce springsteen
So, it's been a while.
I had some good reasons for not writing, one of them was that I was just trying on the non-writing self for long enough, until I can see myself not really wanting to write anymore. I kind of do. A writer suffers too much, thinks too much, I think. Or, it's more likely that a writer thinks just as much as a non-writer would, but writing the thoughts down makes them permanent and almost impossible to detach from. Rumination can be a curse, maybe it really is.
One thing that a writer has to keep reminding herself is that things won't stop happening even if you don't write about them. Therein lies the fallacy that kept some writers (or maybe just me) writing even when it's beginning to cost them more than it should. The fear that life would be achingly plain if you don't write about it. Writing is not a precursor to anything, at least now I think it shouldn't be.
I also have some other not-so-good reasons for not writing, which I won't tell, but one of them is just that I'm bone lazy.
Alrighty, now that we're done with the excuses, some good news (for me).
After wearing my Ultimate Interview Suit to meet the CEO yesterday and getting the crucial details sorted out (and also getting almost everyone at the office saying how different I looked, hmm, must be the Suit), I start work (finally, finally, finally) this Monday. Goodbye jeans and t-shirt everyday, goodbye Globe Trekker, goodbye Megan McCormick, goodbye MTV, goodbye feeling like I'm sponging off everyone I know (self_2: what do you mean, 'feeling like'?), goodbye feeling like I'm at the bottomest rung of the un-achieving ladder when almost all of my friends are working their asses off and using their physical and mental aptness to contribute to the socioeconomic growth of this great country and have a paycheck in the end of the month to show for it, goodbye hesitant moment just before answering well-meaning people's 'so what do you do?' with 'unemployed'.
Hello homogenized thinking, hello inability not to use corporate buzzwords, hello (hopefully) increased skill when it comes to ironing shirts, hello reason to go to ATMs, hello immense and sheer pleasure of meeting new people (really), hello new handbag and actually using it, hello new shoes, hello professional goals and some sense of accomplishment in life, hello Internal Revenue Dept. and all those mad forms I'll never understand (not too soon, I hope), hello immense and sheer pleasure of hating new people, hello mad and groggy driving in the mornings, hello mad and pissed driving in the evenings, and the thing that makes this all worth it, hello-o regular paycheck!
One another note, two of my ex-classmates are getting married this weekend. Just went to one, another one tomorrow. A bit sad and happy altogether, my friends are entering a completely different world that I can only hope to understand, but I'm sure, and hope with every fiber of my being, it's for the best.
And also a little worried, I'm out of wedding-appropriate wear after today.
It's been a while since I wrote one of these things.
previous entry: i'll get the flowers myself (march 10, 2003)