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shadowboxer listening: lost cause
beck
Okay, so I lied. I miss this too much, it's bordering on unhealthy. I don't know until how long before I get my next episodic disdain towards writing and get all tetchy, but right now, pecking haltingly at this keyboard, knowing I'm going to put it up as soon as my dialup connection is in a more cooperative mood, feels sort of like talking to an old friend who still likes me. Which is pleasantly reassuring. I don't know why, but I'm finding myself needing to be reassured more than I like to lately. Mostly just by myself, so that I don't annoy other people with this childish need. Okay, mostly by other people, too, I'm just hoping they don't realize it. I'm very cunning. I guess it's normal to expect change to come with this need to be constantly reassured. Reassured that things will turn out okay after all, that things will fit in, even with all their jagged disparities, reassured that maybe things won't have to change at all. I'm not complaining too much about being home at last. It has been quite surprisingly, very nice. Old ties rekindled, as if never severed. Everyone has their own lives now, the three years I've been away, if not away, then not completely here. People changed, got married, broke up, switched jobs, had children, had a new haircut, stayed the same, I always had an excuse to leave and left. Now I'm back for good, I have no excuse for distance, so I'm pretty happy to just take the backseat and luxuriate in all this time which I'm spending on not leaving and just taking my time and just enjoying the view from here and be there, be completely there and all that. It's a comfortable, unhurried feeling. Maybe this is the feeling that makes people want to settle down. (I'm not there yet! Grandma's been harassing me whether I have a boyfriend or not, and how my cooking skills will dissapoint my phantom mother-in-law. I said mother-in-law will have to make do with bread and instant noodles. I also spent most of the Hari Raya Haji cooped up in my room to avoid such titillating conversations.) I was supposed to have my job interview tomorrow but it's been pushed to next Tuesday. All that time I spent the last few days trying to come up with witty, charming repartees to impress my potential employers with my eloquence and rhetoric! All that confidence and momentum! Now I have to start all over again. Oh well, at least I don't have to iron my ultimate interview suit tonight. I need to get out of the house. Plan to hitch a ride with friend to KLCC tomorrow and spend the entire day there until she gets off work. My life is one hurried event after another. When I'm inside the house, I thank Dad for Astro. My favourite channel is Travel Discovery & Adventure. My favourite show is Globe Trekker. I drag myself out of bed almost everyday before 11 am so I can catch that slot. I think I'm in love with Megan McCormick. I mean, Ian Wright and Justine Shapiro, the other Globe Trekkers, are great too, but Megan, she's something else. She can make me watch the show for the full hour, even when she's covering places that I have absolutely no interest in, like, Ghana. And I would even be reluctant to change to MTV or Channel V during ad breaks. That's saying something, considering that I have the attention span of a housefly and can't even stay with a video clip from beginning to end. I just found out in today's show, on her Ghana assignment, that she's a Leo too. Does that mean I'm astrologically-equipped to be a travel show host? Because I really really want her job. Okay, I think I want to go watch my mom's favourite Korean series. I'm so blaming her for this. ****** Is Michelle Branch gay? I keep getting this gay vibe-subtext-aura from her recent video clips. Am I the only one who notices this? ****** Sent a few entries to Silverfish New Writing 3 competition. Received what I would like to think to be a highly positive and encouraging response, and I'm like, soooooo stoked! Heh. Thanks, Mr. I! Ok, shush, not one more word on this. I don't want to jinx it. But, hee!
previous entry: your next bold move (one more time) (january 4, 2002) |
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