solitude, uninterrupted (pt2)
(aug 29, 2001)

Boy am I whipped into a writing frenzy. Two entries in two consecutive days. Actually they were only written one after another, but since it's already 2:10 am right now so the second one will have to have another entry date. All for easier filing purpose, you know? If you could only see what a mess my tripod directory looks like.

Sensing digression.

(Can you actually digress in your first paragraph? Hmm. Since the first paragraph of an essay is supposed to be an introduction to whatever it is you're trying to say. So if you, um, digress, in your first paragraph, what is it actually you're digressing from? Hmm.)

Ggaa. Focus. Focus.

Yes. I was trying to talk about enjoying one's own company. By this I do not mean masturbation, though. (Trying to purge horrific graphic image from head). I'm talking about the ability to sit alone in a quiet corner without feeling -- no, not lonely, I guess loneliness is inevitable in said situation, but to feel okay, perhaps even quite content, about being lonely. That, I think, is one of the hardest skills to acquire, but once you do, it would be hard for anything else to ruin your day. Someone can just come by and break your heart in the most grotesque way possible and you'd still feel like life is still worth getting over it.

But if you haven't signed your peace contract with loneliness, it will tear you apart in ways you can't even imagine it could. Because loneliness parades itself like a huge neon-colored post-it note, saying something like, I'M SO LONELY. KILL ME NOW. It will never let you forget what you don't have, and makes you totally oblivious of what you do have, which is in most cases, more than we're usually grateful for. You live in constant envy of others. Others who don't seem to be as lonely as you are. You are the loneliest person on earth.

Well newsflash, everyone's alone down here. It's just how far we're willing to go into the land of denial and keep distracting ourselves that get us through the day.

And how comfortable you are with that huge neon-colored post-it note.

Loneliness is an assuring friend to have, yet the most lethal enemy.


listening to:
- You Were Meant For Me by Jewel (one of my all-time fave songs. Such candid lyrics, harrowingly sad but still has a whole upbeat feel to it. Like being in denial. Something I can totally relate to. I don't know how many times I've replayed this song this week.)
- Song for Winter's Night, duet by Sarah Mclachlan and Jewel (winter's almost over here in Melbourne, but I listen to this song all year through. You can almost hear the fire crackling in the fireplace as the snow drizzles over outside, regardless of the actually happening season.)

- The Slate Diaries (I know I know, why pay 35 dollars for the paperback version when you can read it for free on the net? But nothing beats holding a book and reading it in comfortable mannerless positions. Try doing that sitting bent on a chair soaking up radiation from your monitor.)
- Bad Boy by Olivia Goldsmith (my lovely friends gave this to me for my 21st birthday. You know you should start worrying about your reading habits when your friends give you a book titled 'Bad Boy')