shocking relief
(aug 11, 2001)

It's pretty amazing to me that doing something you fear most can have this huge cathartic effect. I haven't felt this clear-headed in months. My mind is a calm and steady flow of stream of crystal-clear sparkling water under the stars.

Okay, according to that last sentence maybe my head isn't that clear yet.

But one wonders.

I'm shocked at my own sense of relief. It doesn't make much sense to me. I mean at this very moment I'm pissing in my pants (figure of speech people, figure of speech) and gnawing at my fingers until I only have knuckles to wiggle now. (Worrying and sick image though, this wiggling of knuckles.). I mean I'm really scared shitless and dying of worrying and embarrassment waiting for the consequence of my action.

Yet I feel puzzlingly calm. And more sensible than most times before. For the first time in months I can think straight. I feel like one of those kungfu experts in Hong Kong movies who look eerily calm under extreme duress but able to defeat fifteen bad guys just by a few nifty hand moves.

Although the waiting part is pure torture. But honestly I don't think I really want to know the answer either. Waiting isn't so bad.

Is this denial? I thought I was already in denial for the longest time. Or maybe I'm denying the fact that I'm in denial? All this being calm and collected. Double negatives make a positive, right? So maybe I'm not in denial at all.

Just confused.

Hmm.

Ah well. At least I feel like one of those tai-chi masters.

Better go practice on some nifty yet lethal hand moves.